Waiting . . .

Tonight in a class at church, I participated in a shamanistic journey. After drumming and chanting to call in the spirits, the shaman guided us into another plane where we called forth and met our deepest, inner selves.

From journaling I did directly after the experience:

"The goddess came upon me with a brush of the wind. She came with my true self.

If only there could have been a conversation, an understanding, something to show me the way on my path toward being my true self.

There is a thin thread that I held on to. I believe it will show me the way back to where my true self resides, to my path. It is there, and I will return.

I must return.

Only in that place may I become whole, know myself truly, and push forward into that which will be the true light.

She was gorgeous."

Later, a conversation constructed from the experience:

Me to my true self: Who are you?

True Self: I am beauty who does not need to be told of it. I am strong in my own right. I am connected to that which is. I can bring Her. You can only know Her through me.

Me: Why have you come?

True Self: You called for me. I only sit here, wiating for you to be ready to know me and the gifts I have to share. Are you ready, yet? I cannot tell you that. Only you can move in my direction, coming to know me as you are ready.

Me: How can I nurture you?

True Self: Come to me. Find me. Sit with me for a while. Ask your questions. Touch me. Know me. Understand that you have me here, waiting. Whe you are ready, walk with me.

So, I remain in this tenuous place of neither here nor there, continuing to wait, to want so badly to make progress, to know myself better, to be ready to pursue the ministry. But, my true self isn't even giving me the tools, but merely waiting for me to find them and her by myself. I want so badly to embody my dream. I will grasp that thread and follow it back until I find my deepest self and can sit beside her, becoming her.